Still alive...

I'm still alive.
But blogging has definitely taken a back burner to everything else in my life.
Speaking of burners, did you know the All-Clad d5 technology makes your stainless steel cookware 20% more efficient? Well I did. And I know lots more about cooking & cookware. In fact, I seem to have submersed myself in a new world. And I am enjoying the new knowledge I gain at work, but I am knackered.

That being said, I am still making time for what is important (usually) and although I miss out on going to shows with friends (I missed a promising Just For Laughs this past weekend), staying up late on Facebook (I am down to just 2 status changes a week), I am starting to finally find time again.
I was so tired for the first 4 weeks of working full time again. But now I am starting to get 'my groove' and I am looking forward to LIFE again. Blogging, cleaning & dare I say...scrapbooking?
I always told people that I 'made time for what I loved' & that was true. It's just that I didn't realise what it was that I loved enough to make time for....
Molly is growing like a weed. She has 5 teeth that are through & more on the way. I make time for her.

Miles changes everytime I look at him. He starts a lot of his sentences with "How about...". It cracks me up. I make time for him.
Brian was growing a Mustache for MoVember but had to shave it for a meeting. What a geek. But I make time for him.
I make time for taking a bath, getting a foot massage & watching SNL. And reading. Who would have known that I loved reading so much? But I do. It keeps me thinking. Here's what I am thinking about now:

I just finished reading The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. I loved it. It was Hilarious. The part about the White Babies killed me. I was laughing so hard I almost peed. And oddly enough I related to so much of what Elna Baker went through on her quest for love (even though I've found mine) & her challenges in faith. I've often wondered why I wasn't born into a more religious family. I believe in God & sometimes think that having Him be a larger part of my life would be a relief. An easy place to turn to when I felt lost or needed guidance. But I also recognize my skepticism. And find it so hard to believe so unconditionally in something that I cannot see. I sometimes feel like a nut-job when I pray or ask God for guidance. I feel like I am too liberal, too 'scientific' or too rationale to believe in God. I find it hard to have the political, science & liberal views I have while embracing all religion has to offer. But I know He is there. And so I also feel guilty not paying him the respect I think He deserves. Is that weird? It is right?

" I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like."

Lyrics. From Enimen of all people. But it kind of sums up my take on religion. I can't put my faith into words. I can't say 'I am Mormon', 'I am Muslim' or 'I am Jewish'. Maybe someday I will find a church or group to call Home... but I know I feel it. I know I need it as a part of my life. I know I pray when I am sad, happy, hopeful and scared. I know it feels like I am parying to someone & I believe it to be God. And that I want to do right by Him. But I can't tell you why. Or why it is so important to me. It is what it is.

It's been a while...

And a lot has happened.

I am feeling emotional today so blogging is likely the last thing I should be doing. But I will try to keep it short & sweet...and not too sappy.

I have taken a full-time position at Williams-Sonoma. It was a hard decision. I knew I would someday go back to work, I guess I just didn't know how hard it would be to leave those beautiful faces (my kids) behind each day. Last week was my first week & it ripped my heart out. I have never cried so hard in my life, well, not since my friend Pam and my Grandpa died. Before I started, I told Brian that I felt that a part of me was dying. It sounds dramatic (ok, it is dramatic) but I can't even express how right I was.

When I closed my store I felt like a different person. There were days when I felt like I didn't know my purpose. But I hung in there and I found a routine at home. And I discovered a purpose I loved to live for. My family. But part of being in a family means making sacrifices. And it's my turn to make some so that my husband can start to enjoy his life. Brian is so busy with school & being the sole provider & it was beginning to take it's toll... I am happy with my decision. But that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty. Women in general are prone to a guilt that is overwhelming. It seems to be a constant struggle. I knew I would have this guilt x100. But I have a great extended family (And I include Michelle Gier in this group as she is so much more than a friend) and friends that I thought would be there for me, to lift me up. I was right. And I was wrong.

I think the thing is... I had an expectation for my first week back at work. And with Brian, I got what I expected. He was there for me in every way. He let me cry, he made me laugh and he did those things at the right time (that's key). He kept the house clean & went the extra mile. I got the comfort I was looking for (and needing) from Michelle. Who lets me savor the time I do have & allows me to feel wholly confident in my childrens home life during the day. I don't think she will ever know how much she means to us. And I got what I expect from my mom. She was there for me physically, she helped to watch the kids a couple evenings & I appreciate it so much. But I needed a friend to help me to keep the guilt at bay. And while it's not healthy to depend to heavily on others, I did. And I waited for the phone call to ask not just how my day was, but how I was doing. How was I coping? Was I OK? I needed to be able to tell someone who knew what I was sacrificing. Someone who is lucky enough to have what I was giving up & therefore knew how hard it would be.... And how much I would need her.

And it never came. And I think I wasn't prepared for that... I guess I never even considered the possibility that during the hardest week of my life (so far...) I would feel so alone. Like there was no one who could possibly understand how much it hurts. How it occupies my mind 24/7. How SAD I am. I know it won't hurt forever. I know it will get easier to leave everyday. And I know I have great friends, but ones that just can't relate. My best friend doesn't have kids & is lucky enough to take her fur-babies to work with her everyday.

I guess it sounds like I am asking people to feel sorry for me. In a pathetic way...I am. I was. I was asking someone to make allowances for me to be bitchy & grumpy. Wanting someone to agree with me about how 'unfair' it all is. Wanting people to ask me how I was so I could cry in their ear. That hardly seems fair in hindsight. The more realistic approach would be: Although my feelings were hurt because I felt they weren't there to feel sorry for me or let me cry to them, those were my feelings. And I can't make them feel sorry for me (which is what I pathetically wanted). That I can only expect 'sorry if you feel that way'. And only I can control that, so it's my problem.

I'll take this and learn from it.

Being a Mom has made me learn to rely on myself. When I need something done, doing it myself is the best way to ensure it gets done. I am so use to being 'needed' that I forgot to be there for myself was I was feeling 'needy'. Molly is crying so I have to go warm her a bottle. She is so little & helpless & I hate to think that in 30 years she will still, at times, feel so helpless.... I need to set a good example so that doesn't happen to her. I have a lot to learn. I have a long way to go.

Oops. Not short or sweet. And full of sappiness. My bad.

Layout #208

Our Family by Haley Ross
I haven't journaled this layout, I still get a little too emotional... I don't want what I have to say to sound all sappy, but it will. This layout is simple, I'll probably add to it, any suggestions? I can't believe how much I have scrapbooked in the past 2 weeks. I am soooo proud of me. Haha! No really, I want to meet my goal and I am only 42 layouts from doing that.
Dang! Girl guides just came by & I didn't have any cash on me.
Materials: Patterned Paper: Fancy Pants Designs & My Minds Eye; Stickers: Fancy Pants; Rub On: My Minds EYe; Buttons: Stampin' Up;

Layout #207

One by Haley Ross
I feel like this is the laziest layout ever... It's all from the BoBunny line & I feel guilty for being so "creative-less".
Materials: Patterned Paper & Stickers: BoBunny; Alphabet Chipboard: Thickers by American Crafts; Rub Ons: We R Memory Keepers; Brad: Doodlebug Designs.

Layout #206

You by Haley Ross

When my Auntie Tara gave this little polka-dot dress to Molly I could almost taste the scrapbook page (I knew I already had the perfect paper at home). I also LOVE, love, love the die-cut butterflies from Stampin' Up. They cut AND emboss. Love it.

Materials: Patterned Paper: Girls Paperie; Calendar Die Cut & Alphabet Stickers: Jenni Bowlin; Paper Flower: Junkitz; Brad: Making Memories; Butterfly DieCut: Stampin' Up; Pen: EK Success Zig Writer.

Layout #205

Materials: Patterned Paper & Die-Cuts: Crate Paper; Chipboard, Brads and Alphabet Stickers: Making Memories

Layout #204

Baby Doll by Haley Ross
Materials: Patterned Paper, Cardstock & Chipboard: S.E.I; Ribbon: American Crafts; Sequins Flowers: Queen & Co.; Fabirc Tag: Making Memories; Alphabet Stickers: Making Memories; Pen: EK Success Zig Writer; Brad: Making Memories.

Layout #203

1st Day Away by Haley Ross
Materials: Cardstock: Bazzill Basics; Patterned Paper, Overlays & Stickers: Fancy Pants Designs; Pen: EK Success Zig Writer

Layout #202

Molly by Haley Ross
I love this layout. It's so girly. Thanks to Jen for the idea of layering the border strips, it was a lot of work, but worth it.... I don't know that I'd call this 'simple' scrapbooking, but it looks simple enough... I love having a baby girl that lets me get my 'pink on'.
Materials: Patterned Paper: My Minds Eye; Stickers: Making Memories; Flowers: K&Co.; Punches: EK Success; Cricut Cartridge: Storybook; Alphabet Letters: sei.

Layout #201

Irresistable Girl by Haley Ross
I've been doing these blogs posts while cooking dinner, cleaning my disaster of a house & trying to get rid of a headache. I rarely get headaches... I guess I'm just lucky. I think this one is about 99% mental & 1% physical. Why is it after a peaceful day away from the kids, going back seems so hard? I was only away one day & I am really struggling today. I guess it's like Monday's at work, they just suck after the weekend...
The ghost shapes from Heidi Swapp made a real comeback for me this weekend. I used them on 3 different layouts! I came across a couple packages & I am dead-set on using up all my old stash before I hit the store for my retreat...
Materials: Patterned Paper: EK Success; Stickers & Epoxy Embellishments: American Traditional Designs & K&Co.; Ghost Shapes: Heidi Swapp.

Layout #200

Animal Adventure by Haley Ross
200. TWO HUNDRED. 200 Layouts. Unreal. And if I wanted to push it, I could really say 400 scrapbook pages (because all my layouts are doubles...), non? I can't believe I have done 200 pages in 3 years. I am impressed. And although I post almost all of my layouts, I do have a couple dozen that I am so ashamed of, they will never make it to the blog... 200. Yay me.
Materials: Patterned Paper: Imaginisce; Stickers: Doodlebug Designs & October Afternoon; Vellum Quote: K&Co.; Eyelets: We R Memory Keepers; Other: Mesh Drywall Tape.

Layout #199

Traveling Man by Haley Ross
I love this paper line so much. It's not new, I've had it around for a while. It's adorable. I was pretty pumped to use some applique on the right-hand side for dots, they kind of reminded me of clouds, which was fitting. Also, how freakin' adorable is my little guys Lightening McQueen suitcase? He loved pulling it around the airport. So fun. It was a last minute Christmas gift I got at The Disney Store (love!) last year... and we've gotten SO much use out of it. I'll keep my eyes peeled for a cute pully for Molly.
Materials: Patterned Paper: TPC; Chipboard: Scenic Route; Ghost Shapes: Heidi Swapp; Letters: October Afternoon & Thickers by American Crafts.