Saturday, February 6, 2010

... What now?

I don't even know what to titles this blog entry. I thought about "The End of an Era" or just "The End". But I don't really feel that way. And I though about "...And they lived happily ever after..." but that doesn't seem right either. Because I don't know. I don't know if this is the beginning or the end. At different times, it has felt like both.

I opened the store when I was 23. I had lots of hopes & dreams. And not a lot of experience to go with them. But I learned. And the store grew right along with me. That was 5 years ago. And when I look back at the pictures (above & below) I can feel & see the change. Thankfully, I was able to shake the horrific case of adult acne I had... I have gained some weight, and my hair color has been platinum, chocolate & everything in between. But the real changes, the real growths are not physical. They are in here (I am pointing to heart. And then to my head.) I've learned practical skills. I know about customs brokerage, gross margin ratios & corporate tax laws. I've learned about people. Some people are pleasant, some are wonderful, some are grumpy & some people are just plain crazy. And I learned that on any given day, I can be any one of those people.

After all that, I am wondering "Now what?". I remember bringing Miles to the store for the first time (below) and thinking "Everything in this store, all of it, doesn't matter as much as this tiny baby." And after that day, I wasn't the person who cared about the newest paper line from Basic Grey anymore. I just didn't. My priorities shifted. And they never went back. For me, it's all about my family now. That's where I am. I am at home. When I was at the store, my mind was at home. And my heart was at home. I am at home. And this is the best place for me, for now.

So "What Now?". Here I am. I am at home. A stay at home mom. And I have been for 2.5 hours now. ( 2.5 Hours!!!) This is where I want to be. So why am I thinking about the store (for the first time in 2 years...)?
I think I am scared. What happens when I wake up on Monday? And Tuesday?
What happens when I have finished cleaning every room in my house?
What happens when I get bored of playing with Miles & his trains?
What if my friends don't pick up their phones & I really need to talk to someone?
What if I become "Miles' Mom" and "Haley Ross" disappears?
What now? What happens now?
Oh my God. What Now?


Lee-Anne said...

I remember the feeling of when my husband picked me up from my job downtown and I was going to be a stay-at-home mom for the first time. I cried because I was so afraid of the unknown. I think it's natural to feel the way you feel. You will do fine. The feeling of being torn all the time is no fun. Now you can focus on one thing and I know you will do wonderful as a mommy. This is a new chapter in the book of life.
There will always be time to do other things. Take care and keep in touch.

Kimberly said...

You will get bored of playing trains, you will be known as Miles' mom, you will miss getting your hands on every new release from MME (as will I), you will count the days until there are NO MORE diapers to change. But... you WON'T miss the peaceful sounds of naptime, you WON'T miss Bean's first steps, you WON'T miss school field trips because you had to work, you WON'T miss the 20 minute tantrums. From one SAHM to another, this is the greatest opportunity I have ever had. There are days I want to pull out every last hair on my head, and then leave my kids with my dog. But every once in a while Avery says something to make me laugh, or Cohen kisses me for no apparent reason, and THAT is something I don't want to miss out on.

And, I will ALWAYS answer the phone when you call. (I might even call you back!)

Carol T said...

I was terrified too! I thought I might end up in holey yoga pants, crying as the kids watch Treehouse. But I'm not. And neither will you. You're going to have a different life, for sure, but I'm sure you'll love it -- and remember that I'm only a block and a half away in the ghetto. Stop by WHENEVER.

annika said...

I remember freaking out when I no longer got my own paycheck. But nothing compares to the time I've spent with my kids - no regrets!! Good for you for making a big scary great choice! Even good life changes take some getting used to.

kaly said...

You will miss certain things, guaranteed. But you will not miss all the important things that you used to wish you didn't miss while Miles was in dayhome. Your life will now revolve around you and your family, and your needs alone. Never the needs of hundreds of customers. You will always choose when and where you want to be and how you will spend your time. GO YOU!
As for being referred to as "Miles' Mom", you'll always be Haley Ross to me! And who you are will now include being that SAHM, and all that that implies! So much fun!

the scrap diva said...

Don't worry Haley, being a SAHM is the best thing you could ever do! Yes, you will have "mom hair" (that's my biggest fear...i know it's time for a new do when I don't do my hair anymore...) and you will spend whole days in your pajamas, but it will be so much more. You will be giving your kids the best possible start!! And I totally agree with Kimberly, nap time is the best!

Anonymous said...

I was afraid too. Took me awhile to finally jump. It is the best thing I have ever done. It is not all roses let me tell you. But you are raising your children with your values and never ending love. No one could ever do a better job than you. And as they grow you will too and find new paths into the future. It is far from the end it is just the begining...the possibilities are endless. Just are an amazing person.

Starr Mercer said...

Haley, it has been wonderful getting to know you over the years at Sheep River Scrapbook store! You are an inspiration and I can totally relate to this post you have written. Keep in touch and good luck!