Sunday, October 17, 2010

It's been a while...

And a lot has happened.

I am feeling emotional today so blogging is likely the last thing I should be doing. But I will try to keep it short & sweet...and not too sappy.

I have taken a full-time position at Williams-Sonoma. It was a hard decision. I knew I would someday go back to work, I guess I just didn't know how hard it would be to leave those beautiful faces (my kids) behind each day. Last week was my first week & it ripped my heart out. I have never cried so hard in my life, well, not since my friend Pam and my Grandpa died. Before I started, I told Brian that I felt that a part of me was dying. It sounds dramatic (ok, it is dramatic) but I can't even express how right I was.

When I closed my store I felt like a different person. There were days when I felt like I didn't know my purpose. But I hung in there and I found a routine at home. And I discovered a purpose I loved to live for. My family. But part of being in a family means making sacrifices. And it's my turn to make some so that my husband can start to enjoy his life. Brian is so busy with school & being the sole provider & it was beginning to take it's toll... I am happy with my decision. But that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty. Women in general are prone to a guilt that is overwhelming. It seems to be a constant struggle. I knew I would have this guilt x100. But I have a great extended family (And I include Michelle Gier in this group as she is so much more than a friend) and friends that I thought would be there for me, to lift me up. I was right. And I was wrong.

I think the thing is... I had an expectation for my first week back at work. And with Brian, I got what I expected. He was there for me in every way. He let me cry, he made me laugh and he did those things at the right time (that's key). He kept the house clean & went the extra mile. I got the comfort I was looking for (and needing) from Michelle. Who lets me savor the time I do have & allows me to feel wholly confident in my childrens home life during the day. I don't think she will ever know how much she means to us. And I got what I expect from my mom. She was there for me physically, she helped to watch the kids a couple evenings & I appreciate it so much. But I needed a friend to help me to keep the guilt at bay. And while it's not healthy to depend to heavily on others, I did. And I waited for the phone call to ask not just how my day was, but how I was doing. How was I coping? Was I OK? I needed to be able to tell someone who knew what I was sacrificing. Someone who is lucky enough to have what I was giving up & therefore knew how hard it would be.... And how much I would need her.

And it never came. And I think I wasn't prepared for that... I guess I never even considered the possibility that during the hardest week of my life (so far...) I would feel so alone. Like there was no one who could possibly understand how much it hurts. How it occupies my mind 24/7. How SAD I am. I know it won't hurt forever. I know it will get easier to leave everyday. And I know I have great friends, but ones that just can't relate. My best friend doesn't have kids & is lucky enough to take her fur-babies to work with her everyday.

I guess it sounds like I am asking people to feel sorry for me. In a pathetic way...I am. I was. I was asking someone to make allowances for me to be bitchy & grumpy. Wanting someone to agree with me about how 'unfair' it all is. Wanting people to ask me how I was so I could cry in their ear. That hardly seems fair in hindsight. The more realistic approach would be: Although my feelings were hurt because I felt they weren't there to feel sorry for me or let me cry to them, those were my feelings. And I can't make them feel sorry for me (which is what I pathetically wanted). That I can only expect 'sorry if you feel that way'. And only I can control that, so it's my problem.

I'll take this and learn from it.

Being a Mom has made me learn to rely on myself. When I need something done, doing it myself is the best way to ensure it gets done. I am so use to being 'needed' that I forgot to be there for myself was I was feeling 'needy'. Molly is crying so I have to go warm her a bottle. She is so little & helpless & I hate to think that in 30 years she will still, at times, feel so helpless.... I need to set a good example so that doesn't happen to her. I have a lot to learn. I have a long way to go.

Oops. Not short or sweet. And full of sappiness. My bad.


One who has been changed said...

Sorry you had to return to work while the children are still so young, but in rough times just know that God loves us and His son Jesus the Christ died for our sin so we would not have to pay the price. For all who allow Him to change them from the inside out He gives the strength to be over comers with peace to carry us through rough days.

Anonymous said...

It is a hard thing to go back to work and leave the little ones behind. I had to too, when Kay was little. It crushed me for the first while, to see her sad face. I have nothing to tell you that will make it easier but it does get easier. We do what we have to for the benefit of the family as a whole. We want to place our children first, and if you look at all of you needs as a family, you really are doing just that.Happy parents make happy children. I hope that makes sence. lol